All Posts in Uncategorized
Queer Flirting is a celebration. My intention is to create and safe place for LGBTIQA+ Queer folks to celebrate and play. I hear so many stories from friends about hiding their identity, from discrimination and shame. Let this event be a beautiful time to frolic and skip together. I hope that this will be an opportunity to make something simple. That we can just have fun and explore how arousal flows.
What is flirting? If you are attracted to a person and you want to connect physically or romantically. You are giving signs that you are interested. Animals do a similar thing when they show feathers or dance in front of each other. Flirting is an art and science to be coy or bold or subtle. Importantly flirts need to read the signs of if the other person is picking up what you’re putting down. It is vital in consent culture that we make sure we are respecting another person's boundaries and safety.
Overall I’d like to hold a safe space for Queer identified people to flirt with themselves, each other and the world
I’m writing a book about Sex Positivity. You may not know what that expression means. It is easier to explain what sex negative is. When a gay man is beaten because he likes sex with men, when a woman is shamed because she enjoys sex, if a trans person is discriminated against because they’re different. Even straight peeps are challenged by shame for their desires, kinks and fetishes.
The book will have contributions from all my heros and heroines in the sex world. We have invited contributions from the leaders of sex education, sex workers, kinksters, porn stars, ecosexuals and many more.
I’m personally really excited to be able to share this message. I want people to know that sex is fun, healthy, natural and pleasurable. What would it be like to live in a world where you can express your sexuality freely and safely? I hope that all people can experience positive sex and have easy conversations about their interests and needs.
Buy a book or donate please!!!
We would really like your support for this book. I am writing with Allena, a wonderful woman from Seattle USA. We are going to pay the writers for their contribution and productions costs. There is a crowdfunding campaign at Indiegogo to help us pay for this endeavor and would also love your assistance in spreading the word about our fundraising efforts if you can. https://www.indiegogo.com/projects/sex-positive-now-book--2#/
Thank you for supporting us.
We all have feelings, the most important part is how we treat them. The analogy that I have is like a cork on the ocean. When the wave goes up, the cork goes up. When the wave goes down, the cork goes down. The cork doesn't care if the wave rises or falls. For me there are problems when I become attached to the feeling, or when I try to resist the feeling. The attachment obviously comes in connection to happiness, joy or ecstasy. If they are the only feelings I want to experience then I am going be distressed when I encounter sadness, loneliness or grief. This is a very similar to trying to resist strong feelings. Some people they will try and resist strong feelings of love or joy, as much as they resist the strong feelings of anger, depression or sadness.
When I was seeing a therapist myself, most of the experiences we had in the room were to expand my palate of feelings. I am now much more comfortable experiencing both the highs and lows of my emotions spectrum. This skilI is a practice and comes overtime. By being aware of my own feelings and then sometimes expressing those feelings to other people I have cultivated more grace with my inner world. The bonus of being more comfortable with my feelings, is that I am more comfortable with other people's feelings also. This works for me as friend, parent, lover and therapist. Some of the clients who come to see me have never expressed their feelings. That maybe at some point in their life they chose to separate their head from the heart. Or they may be smothering their feelings with food, sex, gambling, drugs or alcohol. When I suggest to these people that they start to feel more, they can have a sensation of terror, resistance or avoidance. I always encourage them to feel; slowly slowly.
The analogy I have for this situation is a pressure cooker. The client may feel that if they take the lid off the pressure cooker everything will explore everywhere. The strategy I offer is to slowly open the pressure valve and less the stream out gently. Eventually over time clients learn to feel more, more subtle sensations of contentment, bliss and wonder. Of course these feelings have cousins sometimes called ‘negative feelings’. I feel that these feelings need a voice also. For example grief should have a place at the table. Grief is natural, vital and healthy to express after the lost of a person or relationship. When the is more flow of feelings the negative ones move through like a storm, washing through with tears and then a person is left with lightness. Then a different feeling will appear for our human experience of full life. Keep feeling and expressing and reaching out when the load is too heavy to carry alone.
This week I had to reach out and get support. I found it very difficult to reach out even though I needed it. I had an idea that I was being a burden to other people. I made up a story that being a therapist I don't need support. And I made up another story that I only have a certain credit with people and I might use up the credit. When I finally did call or text my friends, having support and encouragement felt much better. I cried and screamed, it was such a relief to be held and share. I can see now how I limited myself with my stories.I guess there are some people who seek to much help, and there are some people who seek too little help. We have to be like Goldilocks, make sure we receive and seek just the right amount support. It is possible to receive too much support, in therapy vocab we call this in enabling. Enabling is when a friend or family member gives too much. An analogy that I use is it if you break your leg, it's really useful to have crutches for awhile, but after your leg heals you don't need to keep walking around with crutches all the time. After the support we can walk straight and strong.
We all need support, at some time or another in our lives. Why don't we reach out?I guess that there is a fear of being rejected. That might happen, or really the perception of rejection. If I ask a friend for help and they are too busy at that moment I might interpret that as rejection. Actually it’s their personal boundary for now. It’s possible to ask someone else. I encourage all my clients to reach out for support. Isolation is a terrible strategy to deal with overwhelming emotions. There are always people around who will hold for up when you’re sagging. As an optimist I believe that all humans have a desire to help each other. As a superoptimist I guess that supporting others is infectious and we can develop humanity by caring. So do the world a favour and ask for some care.